connections

i believe that we walk through life longing for and looking for connections.  we want to know and be known and the way to do this is to find a connection and make it.  i am not the master at connecting but am a work in process and am always trying to learn. 

finding those connections is like a good hunt when we are surrounded by strangers, and the rewards can be great.  when presented with a setting where i am unknown, i look for those things that connect me to someone else: someone my age or stage in life.  maybe they have the same look of apprehension on their face as I do or they look like they could stand to have someone say hello.  these connections may seem more difficult than in a room full of people that know me but i contend they are easier because they don't know me.  a clean slate is a good place to start as long as you are a willing participant.  some of my most rewarding connections have been with complete strangers.  somewhere out there are several kindred spirits that I met  with on long plane flights only to say our goodbyes at the gate never to be seen again.

finding genuine connection with those we already know can be the more difficult task.  i had a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor the other day about how people respond to us when they are confronted with this disease in our lives and our expectations about that response.

any survivor will tell you a familiar comment we hear is "my aunt/brother/mother/cousin had cancer.  she/he/they died from it."

my response: "I'm so sorry for your loss!" smile offer words of comfort etc.  

awkward!

in an effort to connect to what i am experiencing, many people say the "wrong" thing.  but at least they are saying something and that is better, in my opinion, than saying nothing.  either way, grace and forgiveness should always be a part of the conversation.  that isn't always easy especially when you are tired, overwhelmed and wanting genuine connection during crisis.

and that genuine connection is what drives me to keep myself in a place of connectedness even with those that don't know how to reach out and connect. 

i have struggled mightily with not resenting those closest to me that have pulled back and away during my hardest days.  people who i expected to press in have pulled back in a way that could be, and admittedly has been at times, interpreted by me as hurtful.  it has been difficult for me not to assign value to what could be viewed as rejection of me let alone my situation.

the struggle has led me from a place of whining about their lack of presence to a place of trying to understand why they respond this way to finally just keeping myself open to them when and where the opportunity arises.  

resentment has no home here if I want genuine connection to be fostered. 

ultimately my job isn't to help them connect to me better during my crisis or love me better but to connect and love them better where they are.  it doesn't mean opening myself up to hurt but i can reach back when they reach out and let it be what they need it be right where they are. i am learning to be thankful (and forgiving and more understanding) for the connection we can have when we can have it even when it isn't the connection as i would have designed it.

and i am also acutely aware that my crisis isn't the only thing happening.  at any given moment, other people are experiencing their own struggles and crisis and then i get to try and reach out and give a hug, that will make a connection so that they know someone out here is trying to understand and know them in the midst of their crisis. 

i have not mastered the art of connection however i have learned that both good and bad connections lead to open doors to learn more about the people around me, how I can know and be known. 

carry nothing forth

i boarded a plane very recently, laden down and awkward.  i have learned and am learning to travel lighter. although some would say that i still haven't mastered this particular skill, my suitcase is one and small compared to those around me with their large and many.

on this particular day, i was not practicing the art of unencumbered.  i had my one rolling suitcase (too cheap and hurried to check it), my briefcase (full of the usual suspects: magazine, gum, ipad, snacks, ipod, cards etc), a coat and a scarf (both of which were now in my hands because i had to remove them for security), and a pillow!  i have never done the neck pillow thing but this trip it made the list and now i was carrying it!

settling down into my seat was difficult as i was juggling all this, trying to shove it under the seat, trying to decide what i needed before we reached cruising altitude and knowing instantly that the pillow was my first mistake.  memory foam is very unforgiving and bulky..just saying.  coat and scarf were another large impediment to my ease and comfort as they were just in the way and probably not necessary.  my briefcase did not fit comfortably under the seat in front of me, making leg room an issue.  putting much of anything in the overhead just seemed foolish because heaven forbid i might need something.

i felt heavy.

as i boarded the plane, i made note of the man behind me.  blue jeans, plaid shirt and sweet, goatee'd face greeted me as i slowly waited my turn down the aisle to seat 27D.  he carried nothing!  no rolling case, no backpack, no pillow (!)...not even a book or ipod.  what?

"you are travelling light", i commented to him, out of sheer embarrassment due to my own stumbling along under the weight of my stuff.

"yeah. i just don't like carrying it all with me" he said with a sweet, non-judgmental tone.

as we made our way down the aisle, i realized pretty quickly that i needed to dispose of my suitcase into an overhead sooner than my seat if i was going to advance faster than a snails pace to my row.  turning to him, i asked if he wouldn't mind helping me since he had two hands completely free.  

he gladly obliged and my case was neatly tucked away in the overhead several rows in front of where i was to finally land.

now at cruising altitude, my mind drifted to this stranger.  he had everything he needed to get on the plane: boarding pass, id, the clothing on his back...but nothing else.  i looked around trying to spot him to no avail.

i quickly got the obvious analogies to traveling lightly through this life.  you can move quicker, not wasting time on the unnecessary.  you leave less behind for others to have to deal with.  i began to think about the things in my life that took me out of moment as i deal with the stuff.  i vowed to come home and cut my hair short because i was spending too much time on that every morning.  i committed to cleaning out my closets and office of those things that weren't essential for the time now.  there would be tougher lines drawn on the sentimental things that served no real purpose or just needed too much dusting.

i took another look around me to try to spot my fellow traveler.  what could he possible be doing during these hours to occupy himself?  he didn't have a book or music to listen to.  he was without playing cards or gum.  what would happen if he needed some chap stick or some lotion or whatever else he could have shoved into a backpack before he left home to make himself more comfortable.  i wanted to stand up and find him so i could help him out in any way that he might need because i had food, moisturizer and entertainment a plenty.

and then i realized he was probably just fine without me, probably better than "just fine".   without all the carry-ons, he could lean in and just be.  he was flying and that was enough.  he was going to a destination.  the people around him, the free water, juice or soda could be enough.  the in-flight magazine was good enough and he was leaving himself open to striking up a conversation with his seatmate that might not happen if he shoved his nose into a book as soon as he sat down or threw some headphones on.  although he appeared to not be properly equipped, he was perfectly ready to enjoy this leg of his journey just for what it was without distraction.

and in my encumbered state, he was free to help me juggle my load, helping me with my suitcase.  had he been also laden down, i probably wouldn't have asked him and he probably wouldn't have helped.

how can i let go of the things that encumber me as i travel on so that i can lean into the journey and enjoy it just for what it is without distraction?  and if i do, won't i be better able to serve others and help them make their way easier?  this is a good goal today.