my thankful stack

in early january of this year my because-of-cancer friend, kim rexius, gave me a stack of colorful cards with envelopes.  each card had a fun quote on it about being thankful.  all told, there were 52 cards.   one card for each week of the year with instructions to write down each week something i was thankful for.  and on that day in january this year, i had so much to be thankful for. i was in remission, my energy was returning and i was beginning to regain territories that i had lost during my treatments...including my hair!

i had some new resolve and a year ahead to be thankful for.  i knew that i would not have trouble finding things to be thankful for each day so finding 52 things for a whole year seemed quite easy.

for several weeks, every monday, i wrote down my thankful on a card and put it in a little bag hanging on the wall in my office.  then i got a head ache, an mri, another diagnosis, had brain surgery and radiation, yada yada yada and that is sort of how my year started trending.  i stopped writing my thankful's down.  like many new years resolutions to eat better or exercise more, i stopped because my muscles got sore or the french fries looked too good to pass up or when i sat down to do write it down, i sometimes didn't feel very thankful.  some days it was just too much work to be thankful, other times i just felt sorry for myself.

the stack sat on my desk, nestled sweetly between my pencil holder and the printer, untouched but gently reminding me to be thankful.

a few weeks ago, as i was straightening up, the stack got moved next to my bed.  i had a plan now!  48 weeks later i would use those cards still!

bright this morning, the stack called me out of bed.  it was time to address my thankful stack.

ipad in hand, calendar app poised, i began a review of my year. and i began to write down something for every week. first one thing, then two things per card and by years end...many things on each card.  although i know this was not how it was intended, this became a beautiful exercise in thankfulness.

as card number 48, 49, 50, and 51 rolled up to the top of the stack, my heart became full to overflowing with the incredible year i have experienced.  yeah yeah...i know, i got diagnosed three times with brain tumors, had major surgery on said tumors, went through 7 rounds of radiation therapy, had my blood drawn and iv's inserted more times than i can mention, was told horrific statistics like 70% chance of recurrence and "months not years" and i shed more tears in this year than probably any other year in my life, know more about the brain and cancer and now possess a broad medical terminology repertoire...BUT oh my...the moments in between all those moments were precious and full and beautiful.

we witnessed people commit their lives to each other in beautiful wedding ceremonies, some of them offering second chances to happiness, some of them new, young lives pledged together.

i did things i have always wanted to do like go to the country fair and kayak and take my son to new york city.  i hiked and traveled. i got to share my story several times in order to prevent other women from going through what i did and stood behind the governor or oregon as he signed into law senate bill 420.

one card says "frozen yogurt".

one card says, "let's do that!"

there were reunions, reconciliations and re-connections.

disneyland...always thankful for disneyland

things inspired and sustained me like good wine and great food, good words and even better scripture.

i slowed down, sometimes i sped up, i chose differently, i laughed more, i made mistakes on my behavior that i still regret but am learning from.

i saw myself in my hospital bed for six days, dizzy and throwing up, but i see people around me with laughter and hope.  i wrote down that i am thankful for headaches because without them, hugh would not have pressed me to get it checked.  i see the bad things that we encountered but they didn't rise to the surface as i explored my year.   i look back and i am struck with God's timing, provision and presence in it all. Look at what He did here and there and here!

i have many names on my cards because of the new friends i have made this year and the old friends that have become new again.

i wrote down that i am thankful for cancellations and bad news...i found opportunities there that i wouldn't have found otherwise.

i could go on! in fact, now as i write, i have decided to go back and write more on those cards...there is so much more.

card number 52: goodbye 2013...you were a great year!  i am thankful for every moment. many of them not happy but all of them, moment by moment, day by day, week by week created quite a year to be thankful for.

shifting gears

there was no letter for santa this year.

no letter and no cookies and milk waiting by the fireplace.

the stockings were hung by the chimney and the tree decorated but many ornaments were left in the boxes and i am pretty sure my teenager only hung one of her family ornaments this year.  for the first time in 24 years, mason did not sleep in our home on Christmas Eve but went back to his apartment and returned in the morning.  instead of waiting in the hallway for permission to come down for presents, the children gathered in the kitchen when they heard mason arrive.  they each had a cup of hot cider while I finished the "egg dish" preperation, sliced the pineapple and cooked sausage. what a lovely few minutes with my grown and growing children!

after some prodding they agreed to return to the stairwell for a picture before walking calmly into our family room for stockings and gifts.  the mad dash to see what santa had left was replaced by a calm saunter and some gentle ribbing.

while the shift from these long-held traditions has happened easily like a well-oiled gear moving into place, others traditions have not slid out of practice with such grace.  for a while now many of these rituals have been moving into the category of "something that we used to do", some because of my own lack of energy and others because our children are growing up.  as lucas put it regarding the annual letter to santa, "it feels a little forced, mom".  

growing up these rituals meant so much to me and when things began to shift away from them, due to my own siblings aging out of the tradition and my parents divorce, i felt crushed.

how could Christmas happen without all the tradition? 

steeping my own little family in these same rituals has been fun but, I admit, exhausting.  there have been years I have loathed the approaching holiday season because it meant so much added work to keep the traditions alive.  a friend and i, discussing the rituals we had created for our families and she said, "i wished i'd done it differently".  me too! 

i wish i had not steeped the season in so many "we have to do's" and incorporated more spontaneous what-if's.  I wish I had been more in the moment with my kids instead of trying to create moments for them.  

the gears got oiled for change in the last few years out of sheer necessity for me and so this year, as the expressions of "forced" came across my children's faces, i let many things go and settled into whatever might occur in the new and different way of "having Christmas".  I could see, off in the hazy future, a Christmas when it is just hugh and i as the children are away or creating their own, hopefully un-forced traditions somewhere else.  the hazy shot didn't actually make me feel sad...it sort of elated me.  not because they would be gone but because they felt the confidence and love to go.  

and then what would Christmas be like?  well, who knows!  but it will be fun to find out and maybe do something completely different and un-traditional...quite a shft!

many traditions still exist and are required by my children:  new pj's on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning egg dish with pineapple.  One in particular, the making of my great-grand mothers Christmas plum pudding (aka "the brain"), is one they verbally confirmed they don't care about.  I do it for myself and to honor my father and his family but it seems appropriate that this year it also took a serious hit.

mixed with militaristic precision on Christmas Eve with ingredients like suet (beet fat), currants and nutmeg, and then wrapped in a flour sack cloth overnight in the fridge, it is boiled in its cloth wrapper all day Christmas Day.   unwrapped, it looks like a giant brain on a plate.  it is doused in warm brandy and, with every light switched off in the house, a match is taken to it and it is flamed!  Beautiful!  served with a butter sauce, it is an acquired taste and one that my children have never acquired.

this year, no matter how long I boiled it, it just would not set up.  Finally and because it was now or never, it was released from its package to the plate.  I could only laugh at this sorry excuse of grandma's pudding but I have to admit my pride took a hit.  There were consoling phone calls from my siblings and father who had made their own perfect puddings but in the end, ours was flamed with only Lucas and Hugh and i in attendance as the guests had moved on as had mason and isabel. 

Ah tradition...i could actually feel the gears change this year and I liked the funny new pace it created.  

spider

there was a spider in my house.  this arachnid wasn't just a small specimen.  it was one of those big bodied, long hairy-legged buggers that people take pictures of next to a half-dollar coin and post on Facebook so others will believe them when they try to tell you how big it was.  it is gone now but from the first hints of day when i realized that it was in my home, it's presence made me feel edgy.

in the wind and rain from the night before, it took a ride on the wind chimes that hugh brought in off  the front porch.  during the hot, calm nights of summer these don't interrupt my sleep even with the windows open, but with the season changes have come high winds that have whipped up a musical cacophony heard even behind closed windows, blinds and curtains.  the hitch hiking spider took opportunity to build a web in the night hours between the window and the handle of the sheet music cabinet where hugh had placed the chimes.  my morning routine continued as normal: retrieving the newspaper off the porch, glancing at the headlines while the dog took care of business outside and then placing the paper on top of the cabinet for hugh when he woke up.  only when I switched on the light did i see the little travelor.  it was there on it's web, having saved us from some other insect in the house and preparing its own breakfast while I watched.  

i have dealt with my fair share of spiders in my lifetime, but have my criteria for disposal. 1. it has to be against a hard surface before I will go in for the kill (much easier to just smack it with my shoe than try to remove it from its nest with a flimsy kleenix brand tissue) and 2. If there is someone else in the house who is more capable, then the job can wait for them.  spider in web, husband in bed...this guy's life was spared if only for an hour.  isabel got a preview and a "dad will deal with it when he gets up."

sitting in my chair with my tea watching the sun come up, back to the spider, I read and prayed.  distracted, ever aware if it's crawly noises going in behind me, I peeked over my shoulder several times to make sure it was still snacking.  yep, still hanging out, doing what spiders do...be creepy!  30 minutes later, the hubby makes his way down to grab the paper.  informing him of our visitor, I ask if he can dispose of it for me.  "what spider?", he says. "I don't see anything!" 

ahhhhh! what?  gone!?!  web and all, the insect has now taken up residence somewhere in my house...and I don't know where. 

you can bet that it was all I thought about ALL day. every time i walked past the chimes, now moved to lay flat on a table in the entryway, i peeked and peered and worried.  knowing it was somewhere...crawling, building a home, sharpening it's fangs, maybe even laying eggs!  i kept busy all day but you would have thought a monster had moved into my cozy home with how much thought energy I was spending on this small bug.  I knew if I found it, I could deal with it, it was not knowing where it was that kept me on edge.   

and of course, being me, I start equating this situation to my life. I am in this funny, sometimes awkward place with my disease where we know the cancer is in the house, we are aware of its presence and are being vigilant to address it, but for right now all we can do is keep moving about the house, working, cleaning, living, entertaining, loving each other and choosing not to live afraid.  as the day wore on, and every time I passed the spot of potential spiderness, I would say a little prayer that our new resident wasn't making himself too comfortable but also that I would not be afraid.  I began to realize that there might be other things in my life that I needed to pray over, that had rented a room in my spirit, that needed eviction or at least some attention.  so many things I can't change but I need to address my fear about them and learn to be thankful in it if not for it. I am pressing into those things today that scare me, and they have made me feel restless and unstable a bit.  and i am okay with that.  

by late afternoon, the arachnoid had crawled out of one of the wind chime hollows and was resting awkwardly on an envelope on the edge of the table.  a teenage squeal (from my teenager not from me) a smack of my boot and it was over.  everyone could rest easy tonight with the knowledge that no creepy crawly things lingered....at least the one we know about.  Known or unknown I can co-exist with many of the things that frighten me even though a little restless and unstable at times, with a prayerful heart and with joy and thankfulness.

connections

i believe that we walk through life longing for and looking for connections.  we want to know and be known and the way to do this is to find a connection and make it.  i am not the master at connecting but am a work in process and am always trying to learn. 

finding those connections is like a good hunt when we are surrounded by strangers, and the rewards can be great.  when presented with a setting where i am unknown, i look for those things that connect me to someone else: someone my age or stage in life.  maybe they have the same look of apprehension on their face as I do or they look like they could stand to have someone say hello.  these connections may seem more difficult than in a room full of people that know me but i contend they are easier because they don't know me.  a clean slate is a good place to start as long as you are a willing participant.  some of my most rewarding connections have been with complete strangers.  somewhere out there are several kindred spirits that I met  with on long plane flights only to say our goodbyes at the gate never to be seen again.

finding genuine connection with those we already know can be the more difficult task.  i had a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor the other day about how people respond to us when they are confronted with this disease in our lives and our expectations about that response.

any survivor will tell you a familiar comment we hear is "my aunt/brother/mother/cousin had cancer.  she/he/they died from it."

my response: "I'm so sorry for your loss!" smile offer words of comfort etc.  

awkward!

in an effort to connect to what i am experiencing, many people say the "wrong" thing.  but at least they are saying something and that is better, in my opinion, than saying nothing.  either way, grace and forgiveness should always be a part of the conversation.  that isn't always easy especially when you are tired, overwhelmed and wanting genuine connection during crisis.

and that genuine connection is what drives me to keep myself in a place of connectedness even with those that don't know how to reach out and connect. 

i have struggled mightily with not resenting those closest to me that have pulled back and away during my hardest days.  people who i expected to press in have pulled back in a way that could be, and admittedly has been at times, interpreted by me as hurtful.  it has been difficult for me not to assign value to what could be viewed as rejection of me let alone my situation.

the struggle has led me from a place of whining about their lack of presence to a place of trying to understand why they respond this way to finally just keeping myself open to them when and where the opportunity arises.  

resentment has no home here if I want genuine connection to be fostered. 

ultimately my job isn't to help them connect to me better during my crisis or love me better but to connect and love them better where they are.  it doesn't mean opening myself up to hurt but i can reach back when they reach out and let it be what they need it be right where they are. i am learning to be thankful (and forgiving and more understanding) for the connection we can have when we can have it even when it isn't the connection as i would have designed it.

and i am also acutely aware that my crisis isn't the only thing happening.  at any given moment, other people are experiencing their own struggles and crisis and then i get to try and reach out and give a hug, that will make a connection so that they know someone out here is trying to understand and know them in the midst of their crisis. 

i have not mastered the art of connection however i have learned that both good and bad connections lead to open doors to learn more about the people around me, how I can know and be known. 

carry nothing forth

i boarded a plane very recently, laden down and awkward.  i have learned and am learning to travel lighter. although some would say that i still haven't mastered this particular skill, my suitcase is one and small compared to those around me with their large and many.

on this particular day, i was not practicing the art of unencumbered.  i had my one rolling suitcase (too cheap and hurried to check it), my briefcase (full of the usual suspects: magazine, gum, ipad, snacks, ipod, cards etc), a coat and a scarf (both of which were now in my hands because i had to remove them for security), and a pillow!  i have never done the neck pillow thing but this trip it made the list and now i was carrying it!

settling down into my seat was difficult as i was juggling all this, trying to shove it under the seat, trying to decide what i needed before we reached cruising altitude and knowing instantly that the pillow was my first mistake.  memory foam is very unforgiving and bulky..just saying.  coat and scarf were another large impediment to my ease and comfort as they were just in the way and probably not necessary.  my briefcase did not fit comfortably under the seat in front of me, making leg room an issue.  putting much of anything in the overhead just seemed foolish because heaven forbid i might need something.

i felt heavy.

as i boarded the plane, i made note of the man behind me.  blue jeans, plaid shirt and sweet, goatee'd face greeted me as i slowly waited my turn down the aisle to seat 27D.  he carried nothing!  no rolling case, no backpack, no pillow (!)...not even a book or ipod.  what?

"you are travelling light", i commented to him, out of sheer embarrassment due to my own stumbling along under the weight of my stuff.

"yeah. i just don't like carrying it all with me" he said with a sweet, non-judgmental tone.

as we made our way down the aisle, i realized pretty quickly that i needed to dispose of my suitcase into an overhead sooner than my seat if i was going to advance faster than a snails pace to my row.  turning to him, i asked if he wouldn't mind helping me since he had two hands completely free.  

he gladly obliged and my case was neatly tucked away in the overhead several rows in front of where i was to finally land.

now at cruising altitude, my mind drifted to this stranger.  he had everything he needed to get on the plane: boarding pass, id, the clothing on his back...but nothing else.  i looked around trying to spot him to no avail.

i quickly got the obvious analogies to traveling lightly through this life.  you can move quicker, not wasting time on the unnecessary.  you leave less behind for others to have to deal with.  i began to think about the things in my life that took me out of moment as i deal with the stuff.  i vowed to come home and cut my hair short because i was spending too much time on that every morning.  i committed to cleaning out my closets and office of those things that weren't essential for the time now.  there would be tougher lines drawn on the sentimental things that served no real purpose or just needed too much dusting.

i took another look around me to try to spot my fellow traveler.  what could he possible be doing during these hours to occupy himself?  he didn't have a book or music to listen to.  he was without playing cards or gum.  what would happen if he needed some chap stick or some lotion or whatever else he could have shoved into a backpack before he left home to make himself more comfortable.  i wanted to stand up and find him so i could help him out in any way that he might need because i had food, moisturizer and entertainment a plenty.

and then i realized he was probably just fine without me, probably better than "just fine".   without all the carry-ons, he could lean in and just be.  he was flying and that was enough.  he was going to a destination.  the people around him, the free water, juice or soda could be enough.  the in-flight magazine was good enough and he was leaving himself open to striking up a conversation with his seatmate that might not happen if he shoved his nose into a book as soon as he sat down or threw some headphones on.  although he appeared to not be properly equipped, he was perfectly ready to enjoy this leg of his journey just for what it was without distraction.

and in my encumbered state, he was free to help me juggle my load, helping me with my suitcase.  had he been also laden down, i probably wouldn't have asked him and he probably wouldn't have helped.

how can i let go of the things that encumber me as i travel on so that i can lean into the journey and enjoy it just for what it is without distraction?  and if i do, won't i be better able to serve others and help them make their way easier?  this is a good goal today.

bullies

oh cancer...you are a big, mean, nasty bully.

you have arrived back on my playground after summer vacation bigger and nastier and meaner. you have staked-out and called "dibs" on my favorite jungle gym, hula hoops and red rubber balls and are trying to intimidate all the fun out of recess.  you are bigger this fall, more muscle with more swagger and more authority based on where and how you showed up this time.  you are scrappy and a fighter, trying so hard to gain territory in my life.

i can't help but notice those friends you bring with you...this gang of yours seem to be a bigger force to tangle with.  while everyone cowers at the sound of your name, you use your friends, Fear and Doubt to strike the biggest blows.  And Death, well he is your henchman.  He is your right hand man, the one everyone is really afraid of, the reason we cower.  because although cancer is the one we never want to see on our playground, it is ultimately Death that we are trying to really avoid.  sometimes cancer comes to play without death, mostly death just hangs out in the shadows letting everyone know he is always a part of the equation.

this gang of yours are the real bullies.  they are the ones i need to win over and are truly the greater enemy.  you, cancer, may bully me around, threaten to take away my lunch money and cause some bruising but Fear and Doubt and even Death you are the bigger threat to my days, robbing me of all i dream of.  even if i don't win the battle against the cancer bully, i am promised victory over fear and doubt and even...death!  it is promised.

when the powers that be tell me that cancer has taken up residence, that there are just a few things left in their skill set to keep him from having his way with me then i am made even more aware of the larger battle that rages, that has always raged...that of fear and doubt...and death.

these bullies, along with many others, have to be tamed, brought into submission.  while cancer cannot sometimes be tamed, my fear, my doubt can be dealt with and i can be at rest when the bullies scream and show their fists.  i can have unending peace when they threaten me.  when these bullies threaten to take me away from all that i hold dearest, then i rage and want to cower away under their intimidation's but i trust a larger presence.

i trust that death has lost it's sting
i trust a God who is gentle and good to me, but who is a lion also: fierce and angry and not afraid to fight.
i trust those friends on the playground with me that are part of my posse to withstand
i trust the promises of being an overcomer (even in death...i am an overcomer)
i trust the healer even when the healing isn't when or where i want it.
i trust that even when the red dodge balls are hurtling at me in this crazy dodgeball game, that i am not alone on the court....ever!
i  choose, now, to believe for the future that no matter what weapons these bullies bring to the playground that i will stand in grace, even with tears streaming down my face, knowing who i am and that they can't win.

Fear and Doubt and Death...i won't let you intimidate me...i won't!  my life won't be managed by you.  and when you show up with your big, scary words about the future, i say..."step off...you have no place here. i won't let you take away this moment or any moment from my days. Step off!"

full of hope

"hopefully"...there is something about this word that doesn't sound to me like it should.  i understand it's meaning: "in a hopeful manner" or "inclined to hope" but for some reason when someone says, "hopefully" as in, "hopefully the rain will stop" or "i am hopefully going to attend your party" or "hopefully this treatment will stop the cancer this time" that is not what i hear.  i am not sure why exactly, but the word hopefully sort of sounds hopeless to me.  it feels a little like a 50/50 position...could go either way, just not sure, don't count on it!

when i hear this word used, i hear "maybe" or "might be" or "let's try to believe".  it is as if the writer or speaker is saying, "i really want the rain to stop and hopefully it will, but i don't really have a lot of faith that it will."  maybe it is how it is being used in a sentence or the tone of voice that i hear when people speak it, but it just doesn't fill me with hope somehow.

what i want to hear is "i am full of hope" or "yes! that is going to happen because i have hope" or..."i believe because i have hope" or "i hope because i believe"

hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation or obtainment, to expect with confidence, TRUST.

reality bites sometimes though.  sometimes no matter how much we hope the rain will quit before the big outdoor event, or that our best friend will be able to attend our party or that the test results will come back with good news instead of bad...sometimes these hopes are not met.  sometimes it rains on our wedding day and sometimes the test results come back with worse news than you expected.  sometimes hope is dashed by reality.  then we have to find something new to hope in or try to hope in.  i have found this to be a wearying cycle.

ultimately, i know that i can't hope in the things that have these huge variables factored in.  when i do hope in these things, and i am let down, i feel disappointed and too much of the time there are tears...lots and lots of tears.

i want to be full of hope...trusting and expecting with confidence and anticipation that it will come to pass.

but today, i have asked myself..."what am i hoping in?"

i am hopeful that the doctors will advise me well and that the options they give me are the best.  i am hopeful that the treatments they offer will work.  i am hopeful that i am on the right path and we are making the right decisions for not only a long life but a full life.

but today i realize that i get to be full of hope in my God who saved me from walking this path alone and in the dark.  i get to be full of hope in all He promises from presence and provision to peace and protection.  i get to be full of hope in His faithfulness...that He has promised to never leave me...ever! i can be full of hope in His wisdom and that no matter what choices i make, He will use it.   and i can rest in Him full of hope that while i rest, He is waging a battle for me that goes beyond what i could do at my strongest.

i am daily convinced that my full hope must be in Him so as i experience victories, they are His and His alone and any perceived defeats are also His to carry.  He is way better equipped to carry it all.  this works out well as i am daily growing tired of myself and all my drama and problems.  better to let Him shoulder the burden, attention and ultimately the glory.  i have freedom when i place my hope in the One without variables, the only One constant who knows me and my circumstances perfectly.

my hope is in the Lord so that He is glorified.  no one but Him...full of hope in Him.

"oh! may the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope!" Rom. 15:13