fear: you are not welcome here

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR 1933

in just a moment earlier this week, i realized that i had been slowly slipping into a black, muddy, tar-like hole of fear.  this black hole, stepped in and out of at will depending on the time or circumstance had grown in recent days to be a very deep, real pit that has threatened to envelope each foot step.

as i lay in bed that night and i waited out the evening wrestling match between sleep and my wayward thoughts, i again gained awareness of something about myself that seems to be an on-going lesson i must learn: i am weak in the face of the unknowns.  give me a solid and known thing to deal with and i will do it and do it with determination.  make me face the big unknowns and i may just fall apart. i need more trust, more faith and more understanding in the face of the unknown especially when it comes to this little battle called cancer and how it is impacting the rest of my life.

is it possible to just NOT be afraid...when that is truly and deeply the response that is happening? can you tell a child "they have nothing to fear" when they are afraid of the thunder and lightning and have them suddenly just not be afraid because you told them not to be?

lately my unknowns are building up pressure and the clouds are rolling in like a summer thunderstorm approaching. i hear the storm warning and wonder if it will pass overhead like the weather man predicts, dumping rain and bringing with it winds, thunder and lightning or if it will go another way. should i gather up the patio furniture and cushions and take cover? should i batten down the hatches?

nineteen days from today, i will finally go back into the MRI machine to have it reveal what we have waited all summer to discover: did the radiation work, has the tumor shrunk and are there any new tumors there? the summer days have stretched before me in a beautiful array of family and friends and seized opportunity. it has been a lovely respite from the schedule of school days and obligations. there has been work, but there has mostly been lots of "let's not miss this" anythings that cross our path.

as the calendar rolled from july to august and then as we began to schedule our september routines including football and cheer, school and some travel, the date looming on my mental day planner is september 17th. everything seems to revolve around that day, the day we drive back to OHSU and go under the magnets. i have felt a pressure building and quite honestly a fear about the unknown of days that follow and what those will look like, how will i feel, what will the rest of september be like depending on what we hear from the doctor? i feel like i am preparing for a storm, when in all likely hood, there may reason to celebrate as the clouds pass us by and go a different direction.

and then sunday in church my pastor said..."you don't have to be afraid...God is bigger than anything you face".  i knew this! i needed a gentle reminder nudge.

He is bigger, His grace is without sides or a bottom and with no lid and most of all HE LOVES ME!  i can continue to seize every opportunity and every moment right up to and every moment following september 17th. I can batten down those hatches and prepare for rain and then dance in it or celebrate it's passage another way...but i don't have to be afraid.

fear has no place in His presence
fear has no place in His joy
fear has no place in His grace
fear has no place in me!

and when the pressure system builds up, when the clouds get dark and ominous, when rain hits the windshield, i go to the source. i stand up on my knees letting Him see all my fear and He is there driving out the darkness, flipping the switch, shedding light into all the corners showing me that fear is not welcome here. fear runs at the sight of Him as He wraps His arms around me not just telling me i have nothing to fear but showing me. He shows me that He is in the storm, and He is bigger than all it's power.

yes, fear can JUST disappear! it can happen over and over again as often as needed until fear learns that she is not welcome here...ever!

observations on a trail

one of the many things on my list of things to do more of in the days ahead, is to be outside and to hike!   so this week, on our annual mother-daughter trip, I wanted to take isabel to ramona falls off hwy 26 at the base of mt. hood.  this place is one of "those" places for me because i will never forget how it took my breath away the first time i saw it when i was just about isabel's age.

i was brought here 30+ years ago against my will as part of my summer church camp experience.  in my backpack I carried a brown paper bag with an apple, a cookie and a soon-to-flattened peanut-butter and jelly sandwich prepared lovingly by Judy the camp cook.   i don't recall a water bottle or sunscreen as part of the equation but i am sure some adult was managing those elements.  what do I remember about this day was of course the eventual destination: the incredible layered, rocky falls that bath you in the spray and cool breeze that emanates as the water crushes down on the rock below.  part of this experience all those years ago that really stuck in my young head was the terrain and experience on the trek up the mountain.  in the lush forest on the 3.5 mike hike up, mossy ground cover overwhelm the eye. The birds are singing...loudly! It's lush because the water is there, running down and through and protected by the trees. The mossy ground cover is everywhere and covering everything.  it is on every tree limb and trunk, each rock and down every short embankment to the creek running along side the trail.  this soft, green ground cover blankets the edges of the trail while the overhanging trees filter in just enough sun to refresh the traveler and give sweet relief from the hotter, drier, dustier parts of this trip.  these hotter, drier, parts felt like walking through hell to me back then and by listening to my own teenager now, she was also pretty miserable during these portions of our hike.

so while i was really eager to show off the beauty of the beautiful parts of ramona falls to my daughter, i was nervous for myself and for her for the not-so-beautiful parts of this hike because i remember how miserable i felt 30 years ago.  what i discovered along the way was that, while i loved the lush, cool and beautiful parts of this hike as much as ever, i found myself relating more to the dry, hot and not so beautiful parts much more.  every time i walked out into the hot-dry-bare rock-no shade-lots-of-fly's part of this hike, i connected and i seemed to be enriched in it.  the shade and the cool and the beauty were that much more shady, cool and beautiful but i had some observations during my moments along the dry path.

...it's really quiet.  the birds aren't singing, sounds of water rushing down the creek is so distant it almost isn't audible, and the hikers move through quickly.  as i walked along, all i could hear were my own foot falls hitting the sandy path.  quiet...to hear what all the sounds of the more lush parts of the trail distract me from. quiet...to hear what i might miss otherwise.  quiet...to hear the still small voice.

...i can see. it is bright and open and while there isn't much to look at that is "beautiful", i can see the individual new growth that sprouts here and there among the grey rock, dry and dead looking trees and the rotting logs that litter the path.  most importantly, i can see clearly the outline of the hikers shoes that have already passed this way to either the falls or returning to the trail head.  foot prints that tell me, this way has been passed and they have returned.  foot prints to tell me i don't walk alone.

...the encouragement to keep hiking almost always comes during these hot, dry spells of the hike.  During the more shady portions, hello's and smiles are exchanged between us and those we pass. but during the desert portions, words of encouragement are quick: keep going, you're almost there, the path gets cooler up head, you're really going to love it when you make it to the falls, you can do it!  people feel the need to encourage when things seem difficult and dry and i appreciate that....oh how i appreciate that!

up the trail, all these years later, and i have a new appreciation for the respite of the shade and the promise of the destination but i no longer begrudge the desert on the path.