in just a moment earlier this week, i realized that i had been slowly slipping into a black, muddy, tar-like hole of fear. this black hole, stepped in and out of at will depending on the time or circumstance had grown in recent days to be a very deep, real pit that has threatened to envelope each foot step.
as i lay in bed that night and i waited out the evening wrestling match between sleep and my wayward thoughts, i again gained awareness of something about myself that seems to be an on-going lesson i must learn: i am weak in the face of the unknowns. give me a solid and known thing to deal with and i will do it and do it with determination. make me face the big unknowns and i may just fall apart. i need more trust, more faith and more understanding in the face of the unknown especially when it comes to this little battle called cancer and how it is impacting the rest of my life.
is it possible to just NOT be afraid...when that is truly and deeply the response that is happening? can you tell a child "they have nothing to fear" when they are afraid of the thunder and lightning and have them suddenly just not be afraid because you told them not to be?
lately my unknowns are building up pressure and the clouds are rolling in like a summer thunderstorm approaching. i hear the storm warning and wonder if it will pass overhead like the weather man predicts, dumping rain and bringing with it winds, thunder and lightning or if it will go another way. should i gather up the patio furniture and cushions and take cover? should i batten down the hatches?
nineteen days from today, i will finally go back into the MRI machine to have it reveal what we have waited all summer to discover: did the radiation work, has the tumor shrunk and are there any new tumors there? the summer days have stretched before me in a beautiful array of family and friends and seized opportunity. it has been a lovely respite from the schedule of school days and obligations. there has been work, but there has mostly been lots of "let's not miss this" anythings that cross our path.
as the calendar rolled from july to august and then as we began to schedule our september routines including football and cheer, school and some travel, the date looming on my mental day planner is september 17th. everything seems to revolve around that day, the day we drive back to OHSU and go under the magnets. i have felt a pressure building and quite honestly a fear about the unknown of days that follow and what those will look like, how will i feel, what will the rest of september be like depending on what we hear from the doctor? i feel like i am preparing for a storm, when in all likely hood, there may reason to celebrate as the clouds pass us by and go a different direction.
and then sunday in church my pastor said..."you don't have to be afraid...God is bigger than anything you face". i knew this! i needed a gentle reminder nudge.
He is bigger, His grace is without sides or a bottom and with no lid and most of all HE LOVES ME! i can continue to seize every opportunity and every moment right up to and every moment following september 17th. I can batten down those hatches and prepare for rain and then dance in it or celebrate it's passage another way...but i don't have to be afraid.
fear has no place in His presence
fear has no place in His joy
fear has no place in His grace
fear has no place in me!
and when the pressure system builds up, when the clouds get dark and ominous, when rain hits the windshield, i go to the source. i stand up on my knees letting Him see all my fear and He is there driving out the darkness, flipping the switch, shedding light into all the corners showing me that fear is not welcome here. fear runs at the sight of Him as He wraps His arms around me not just telling me i have nothing to fear but showing me. He shows me that He is in the storm, and He is bigger than all it's power.
A beautiful mess.com.... check out that blog.
ReplyDeleteI love what you wrote here. You express a universal struggle we all face written in your characteristic I-can-do-better-than-this approach. I love your who i am description and thought I was reading about myself except that two humans call me mother in stead of three. Thank you for introducing me to Francesca's song. It's lovely and apropos, sweat pea.
I've learned my most important lessons from 1. pain; 2. watching how others respond to what happens to them (you are in this category); and 3. the mistakes I've made. Learning how Evil tempts us into poor choices because of fear or other enticing temptations has helped me regularly weed my soul with prayer and time to bask in the sweet surrender to God that restores my soul to its peaceful waters. I find you in those restful waters with all my brothers and sisters who cherish the Ultimate Mystery of life.