bullies

oh cancer...you are a big, mean, nasty bully.

you have arrived back on my playground after summer vacation bigger and nastier and meaner. you have staked-out and called "dibs" on my favorite jungle gym, hula hoops and red rubber balls and are trying to intimidate all the fun out of recess.  you are bigger this fall, more muscle with more swagger and more authority based on where and how you showed up this time.  you are scrappy and a fighter, trying so hard to gain territory in my life.

i can't help but notice those friends you bring with you...this gang of yours seem to be a bigger force to tangle with.  while everyone cowers at the sound of your name, you use your friends, Fear and Doubt to strike the biggest blows.  And Death, well he is your henchman.  He is your right hand man, the one everyone is really afraid of, the reason we cower.  because although cancer is the one we never want to see on our playground, it is ultimately Death that we are trying to really avoid.  sometimes cancer comes to play without death, mostly death just hangs out in the shadows letting everyone know he is always a part of the equation.

this gang of yours are the real bullies.  they are the ones i need to win over and are truly the greater enemy.  you, cancer, may bully me around, threaten to take away my lunch money and cause some bruising but Fear and Doubt and even Death you are the bigger threat to my days, robbing me of all i dream of.  even if i don't win the battle against the cancer bully, i am promised victory over fear and doubt and even...death!  it is promised.

when the powers that be tell me that cancer has taken up residence, that there are just a few things left in their skill set to keep him from having his way with me then i am made even more aware of the larger battle that rages, that has always raged...that of fear and doubt...and death.

these bullies, along with many others, have to be tamed, brought into submission.  while cancer cannot sometimes be tamed, my fear, my doubt can be dealt with and i can be at rest when the bullies scream and show their fists.  i can have unending peace when they threaten me.  when these bullies threaten to take me away from all that i hold dearest, then i rage and want to cower away under their intimidation's but i trust a larger presence.

i trust that death has lost it's sting
i trust a God who is gentle and good to me, but who is a lion also: fierce and angry and not afraid to fight.
i trust those friends on the playground with me that are part of my posse to withstand
i trust the promises of being an overcomer (even in death...i am an overcomer)
i trust the healer even when the healing isn't when or where i want it.
i trust that even when the red dodge balls are hurtling at me in this crazy dodgeball game, that i am not alone on the court....ever!
i  choose, now, to believe for the future that no matter what weapons these bullies bring to the playground that i will stand in grace, even with tears streaming down my face, knowing who i am and that they can't win.

Fear and Doubt and Death...i won't let you intimidate me...i won't!  my life won't be managed by you.  and when you show up with your big, scary words about the future, i say..."step off...you have no place here. i won't let you take away this moment or any moment from my days. Step off!"

full of hope

"hopefully"...there is something about this word that doesn't sound to me like it should.  i understand it's meaning: "in a hopeful manner" or "inclined to hope" but for some reason when someone says, "hopefully" as in, "hopefully the rain will stop" or "i am hopefully going to attend your party" or "hopefully this treatment will stop the cancer this time" that is not what i hear.  i am not sure why exactly, but the word hopefully sort of sounds hopeless to me.  it feels a little like a 50/50 position...could go either way, just not sure, don't count on it!

when i hear this word used, i hear "maybe" or "might be" or "let's try to believe".  it is as if the writer or speaker is saying, "i really want the rain to stop and hopefully it will, but i don't really have a lot of faith that it will."  maybe it is how it is being used in a sentence or the tone of voice that i hear when people speak it, but it just doesn't fill me with hope somehow.

what i want to hear is "i am full of hope" or "yes! that is going to happen because i have hope" or..."i believe because i have hope" or "i hope because i believe"

hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation or obtainment, to expect with confidence, TRUST.

reality bites sometimes though.  sometimes no matter how much we hope the rain will quit before the big outdoor event, or that our best friend will be able to attend our party or that the test results will come back with good news instead of bad...sometimes these hopes are not met.  sometimes it rains on our wedding day and sometimes the test results come back with worse news than you expected.  sometimes hope is dashed by reality.  then we have to find something new to hope in or try to hope in.  i have found this to be a wearying cycle.

ultimately, i know that i can't hope in the things that have these huge variables factored in.  when i do hope in these things, and i am let down, i feel disappointed and too much of the time there are tears...lots and lots of tears.

i want to be full of hope...trusting and expecting with confidence and anticipation that it will come to pass.

but today, i have asked myself..."what am i hoping in?"

i am hopeful that the doctors will advise me well and that the options they give me are the best.  i am hopeful that the treatments they offer will work.  i am hopeful that i am on the right path and we are making the right decisions for not only a long life but a full life.

but today i realize that i get to be full of hope in my God who saved me from walking this path alone and in the dark.  i get to be full of hope in all He promises from presence and provision to peace and protection.  i get to be full of hope in His faithfulness...that He has promised to never leave me...ever! i can be full of hope in His wisdom and that no matter what choices i make, He will use it.   and i can rest in Him full of hope that while i rest, He is waging a battle for me that goes beyond what i could do at my strongest.

i am daily convinced that my full hope must be in Him so as i experience victories, they are His and His alone and any perceived defeats are also His to carry.  He is way better equipped to carry it all.  this works out well as i am daily growing tired of myself and all my drama and problems.  better to let Him shoulder the burden, attention and ultimately the glory.  i have freedom when i place my hope in the One without variables, the only One constant who knows me and my circumstances perfectly.

my hope is in the Lord so that He is glorified.  no one but Him...full of hope in Him.

"oh! may the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope!" Rom. 15:13

the view from here

stepping out of the subway station onto the street brought me to tears. by my side was my handsome and talented son, lucas dressed in a bold, red paint-splotched-patterned shirt that was not shy in it's presentation. i have dreamed of taking him to new york city for years and today, after my nephew's wedding in the catskills, we were finally making our way to the frenetic streets of manhattan, times square and BROADWAY.  although i knew he was excited, he seemed unfazed by our surroundings even as a few tears streamed down my face.  he snickered at my outward emotion. 

from the moment we began our journey, i was made more aware of a part of his life that he carries with grace and dignity.  today as i reflect back on those 5 days, i am inspired to see people differently. let me explain.

i am tall! we all know that. but lucas is even taller. similar to me with my siblings, lucas, got an extra dose of height when he was created.  while lucas' siblings are tall (6'2 and 6'6), lucas stands 6'9" or 6'10" depending on who is measuring him. i have always been so proud of his height, as i have been of my own, and bragged on him.

lucas doesn't fit in his world: cars, airplanes, kayaks, beds, suitcase puller handles, theater seats...the list goes on and on of those elements of his life that he doesn't fit into...literally. he didn't choose this but very rarely did i hear him complain about the inconvenience or discomfort.  hugh and i thought we were doing good by booking two aisle seats on the airplane so we would both have the leg room but even that doesn't work for him because the arm rest on the aisle doesn't raise and his knees don't allow him to get past the arm rest to put his feet in the aisle or to stretch them out under the seat in front of him.  and no complaining came when the man in front put his seat back into lucas' knees. i had a great mom moment when i could trade seats with him on the plane so he could sit with no one next to him and sit a little more sideways and stretch those legs out.  we also traded suitcases for wheeling through the airport because mine has a longer pull handle than his and he was carrying his case because it was easier than bending down to pull it. ugh!

so there is that whole element of just not fitting in your world but as the days went by i also began to see that as hard as he tries to fit in, and boy does he try, it is just difficult to enter, socially speaking, into a world that is 8, 10, 12 or more inches below you. it is difficult to hear conversations going on in groups because everyone is talking at the group level, typically almost a foot below where his ears are.  i began to worry about his hearing during our trip because i often heard him say, "what did you say?" or "what was that she said?"  but then i realized, he can't hear us because we aren't directing our conversation upward...no wonder!  he can hear...he just can't hear us!  and if there is loud music playing...well that is a whole other story!

and the other element that almost saddened me was the complete strangers who felt compelled to comment on his height.  i am used to this on some level, but not from every person i meet.  it seems like every person we encountered had some comment about his height.  complete strangers would stop him on the street and ask him if he played basketball or say..."whoa!"  i began to wonder if they saw the person there behind the stature of his presence or if all they could see was this "anomaly" in front of them.

what did i take away from this time with him? well beyond the fact that am incredibly proud of this young man and how he treats everyone he encounters with kindness in spite of this on-going, consistent and I am sure, tiring exchange over his height, i was inspired to see people through some different eyes.

every one of us has something that makes us different and unique: something that makes us stand out from the crowd...good or bad, it is our "thing" and it can make us feel as if don't feel like we fit in our world.  that is a common thread we all carry.  and thankfully for lucas, being tall is considered a positive thing by our society, although a curious thing by the reactions of those around him.

so what if instead of responding to the "thing" that makes someone feel "unfit", what if i responded to people for who they are...a person! what if i discarded what i see outwardly; their size, their color, their lifestyle, and just saw them as a person.  thankfully, it isn't common to outwardly comment on someones weight or their lifestyle, their job or their choice of mate but i know i have inward thoughts that are judgmental and condemning because i feel uncomfortable with the outward appearance or lifestyle choice or i disagree with your mate choice.  wow! where do i get off?  who wrote that into my job description cause it is a heavy burden to carry...that of judge and jury.

what if i refused to see people without the eyes of Christ? like putting on a pair of glasses, how would that change how i interact with absolutely every human i come into contact with from my husband and children, to the guy in front of me who just cut me off in traffic.  if i see them ALL as children of a GOD who loves them...and who loves me...then life becomes a little less about the outward and more and more about the inward...about love!  how will that impact my day?  might i have more patience when i don't get the kind of customer service i deserve?  might i be more understanding of those around me when they are having a rough day and it might not be all about me in that moment?  might i be more gracious and giving...and kind? when others judge me or treat me badly, might there be forgiveness and grace extended instead of bitterness and resentment when i can see them through eyes other than my natural vision.

at the stage door after "First Date" we waited for the actors to come out and sign our playbill's.  as the star, zachary levi, made his way through the door, he immediately looked over at lucas and said with great enthusiasm, "Wow! You're a giant!"  our encounter with him was brilliant and fun.  he encouraged lucas in his dream of acting on Broadway and told him to "never give up!".  later lucas had the opportunity to have his picture taken with this sweet, humble man.  instead of stepping up to stand beside mr. levi as everyone else was doing, lucas stepped right in front of him, straightening up to his full height.  zachary levi, laughing and loving every moment of it, peeked over lucas' shoulder as i snapped the picture.   

may i embrace those moments when i don't fit in my world, bring laughter to them and bring others into my space.  and may i love others better as i find my way.