full of hope

"hopefully"...there is something about this word that doesn't sound to me like it should.  i understand it's meaning: "in a hopeful manner" or "inclined to hope" but for some reason when someone says, "hopefully" as in, "hopefully the rain will stop" or "i am hopefully going to attend your party" or "hopefully this treatment will stop the cancer this time" that is not what i hear.  i am not sure why exactly, but the word hopefully sort of sounds hopeless to me.  it feels a little like a 50/50 position...could go either way, just not sure, don't count on it!

when i hear this word used, i hear "maybe" or "might be" or "let's try to believe".  it is as if the writer or speaker is saying, "i really want the rain to stop and hopefully it will, but i don't really have a lot of faith that it will."  maybe it is how it is being used in a sentence or the tone of voice that i hear when people speak it, but it just doesn't fill me with hope somehow.

what i want to hear is "i am full of hope" or "yes! that is going to happen because i have hope" or..."i believe because i have hope" or "i hope because i believe"

hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation or obtainment, to expect with confidence, TRUST.

reality bites sometimes though.  sometimes no matter how much we hope the rain will quit before the big outdoor event, or that our best friend will be able to attend our party or that the test results will come back with good news instead of bad...sometimes these hopes are not met.  sometimes it rains on our wedding day and sometimes the test results come back with worse news than you expected.  sometimes hope is dashed by reality.  then we have to find something new to hope in or try to hope in.  i have found this to be a wearying cycle.

ultimately, i know that i can't hope in the things that have these huge variables factored in.  when i do hope in these things, and i am let down, i feel disappointed and too much of the time there are tears...lots and lots of tears.

i want to be full of hope...trusting and expecting with confidence and anticipation that it will come to pass.

but today, i have asked myself..."what am i hoping in?"

i am hopeful that the doctors will advise me well and that the options they give me are the best.  i am hopeful that the treatments they offer will work.  i am hopeful that i am on the right path and we are making the right decisions for not only a long life but a full life.

but today i realize that i get to be full of hope in my God who saved me from walking this path alone and in the dark.  i get to be full of hope in all He promises from presence and provision to peace and protection.  i get to be full of hope in His faithfulness...that He has promised to never leave me...ever! i can be full of hope in His wisdom and that no matter what choices i make, He will use it.   and i can rest in Him full of hope that while i rest, He is waging a battle for me that goes beyond what i could do at my strongest.

i am daily convinced that my full hope must be in Him so as i experience victories, they are His and His alone and any perceived defeats are also His to carry.  He is way better equipped to carry it all.  this works out well as i am daily growing tired of myself and all my drama and problems.  better to let Him shoulder the burden, attention and ultimately the glory.  i have freedom when i place my hope in the One without variables, the only One constant who knows me and my circumstances perfectly.

my hope is in the Lord so that He is glorified.  no one but Him...full of hope in Him.

"oh! may the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope!" Rom. 15:13