my thankful stack

in early january of this year my because-of-cancer friend, kim rexius, gave me a stack of colorful cards with envelopes.  each card had a fun quote on it about being thankful.  all told, there were 52 cards.   one card for each week of the year with instructions to write down each week something i was thankful for.  and on that day in january this year, i had so much to be thankful for. i was in remission, my energy was returning and i was beginning to regain territories that i had lost during my treatments...including my hair!

i had some new resolve and a year ahead to be thankful for.  i knew that i would not have trouble finding things to be thankful for each day so finding 52 things for a whole year seemed quite easy.

for several weeks, every monday, i wrote down my thankful on a card and put it in a little bag hanging on the wall in my office.  then i got a head ache, an mri, another diagnosis, had brain surgery and radiation, yada yada yada and that is sort of how my year started trending.  i stopped writing my thankful's down.  like many new years resolutions to eat better or exercise more, i stopped because my muscles got sore or the french fries looked too good to pass up or when i sat down to do write it down, i sometimes didn't feel very thankful.  some days it was just too much work to be thankful, other times i just felt sorry for myself.

the stack sat on my desk, nestled sweetly between my pencil holder and the printer, untouched but gently reminding me to be thankful.

a few weeks ago, as i was straightening up, the stack got moved next to my bed.  i had a plan now!  48 weeks later i would use those cards still!

bright this morning, the stack called me out of bed.  it was time to address my thankful stack.

ipad in hand, calendar app poised, i began a review of my year. and i began to write down something for every week. first one thing, then two things per card and by years end...many things on each card.  although i know this was not how it was intended, this became a beautiful exercise in thankfulness.

as card number 48, 49, 50, and 51 rolled up to the top of the stack, my heart became full to overflowing with the incredible year i have experienced.  yeah yeah...i know, i got diagnosed three times with brain tumors, had major surgery on said tumors, went through 7 rounds of radiation therapy, had my blood drawn and iv's inserted more times than i can mention, was told horrific statistics like 70% chance of recurrence and "months not years" and i shed more tears in this year than probably any other year in my life, know more about the brain and cancer and now possess a broad medical terminology repertoire...BUT oh my...the moments in between all those moments were precious and full and beautiful.

we witnessed people commit their lives to each other in beautiful wedding ceremonies, some of them offering second chances to happiness, some of them new, young lives pledged together.

i did things i have always wanted to do like go to the country fair and kayak and take my son to new york city.  i hiked and traveled. i got to share my story several times in order to prevent other women from going through what i did and stood behind the governor or oregon as he signed into law senate bill 420.

one card says "frozen yogurt".

one card says, "let's do that!"

there were reunions, reconciliations and re-connections.

disneyland...always thankful for disneyland

things inspired and sustained me like good wine and great food, good words and even better scripture.

i slowed down, sometimes i sped up, i chose differently, i laughed more, i made mistakes on my behavior that i still regret but am learning from.

i saw myself in my hospital bed for six days, dizzy and throwing up, but i see people around me with laughter and hope.  i wrote down that i am thankful for headaches because without them, hugh would not have pressed me to get it checked.  i see the bad things that we encountered but they didn't rise to the surface as i explored my year.   i look back and i am struck with God's timing, provision and presence in it all. Look at what He did here and there and here!

i have many names on my cards because of the new friends i have made this year and the old friends that have become new again.

i wrote down that i am thankful for cancellations and bad news...i found opportunities there that i wouldn't have found otherwise.

i could go on! in fact, now as i write, i have decided to go back and write more on those cards...there is so much more.

card number 52: goodbye 2013...you were a great year!  i am thankful for every moment. many of them not happy but all of them, moment by moment, day by day, week by week created quite a year to be thankful for.

shifting gears

there was no letter for santa this year.

no letter and no cookies and milk waiting by the fireplace.

the stockings were hung by the chimney and the tree decorated but many ornaments were left in the boxes and i am pretty sure my teenager only hung one of her family ornaments this year.  for the first time in 24 years, mason did not sleep in our home on Christmas Eve but went back to his apartment and returned in the morning.  instead of waiting in the hallway for permission to come down for presents, the children gathered in the kitchen when they heard mason arrive.  they each had a cup of hot cider while I finished the "egg dish" preperation, sliced the pineapple and cooked sausage. what a lovely few minutes with my grown and growing children!

after some prodding they agreed to return to the stairwell for a picture before walking calmly into our family room for stockings and gifts.  the mad dash to see what santa had left was replaced by a calm saunter and some gentle ribbing.

while the shift from these long-held traditions has happened easily like a well-oiled gear moving into place, others traditions have not slid out of practice with such grace.  for a while now many of these rituals have been moving into the category of "something that we used to do", some because of my own lack of energy and others because our children are growing up.  as lucas put it regarding the annual letter to santa, "it feels a little forced, mom".  

growing up these rituals meant so much to me and when things began to shift away from them, due to my own siblings aging out of the tradition and my parents divorce, i felt crushed.

how could Christmas happen without all the tradition? 

steeping my own little family in these same rituals has been fun but, I admit, exhausting.  there have been years I have loathed the approaching holiday season because it meant so much added work to keep the traditions alive.  a friend and i, discussing the rituals we had created for our families and she said, "i wished i'd done it differently".  me too! 

i wish i had not steeped the season in so many "we have to do's" and incorporated more spontaneous what-if's.  I wish I had been more in the moment with my kids instead of trying to create moments for them.  

the gears got oiled for change in the last few years out of sheer necessity for me and so this year, as the expressions of "forced" came across my children's faces, i let many things go and settled into whatever might occur in the new and different way of "having Christmas".  I could see, off in the hazy future, a Christmas when it is just hugh and i as the children are away or creating their own, hopefully un-forced traditions somewhere else.  the hazy shot didn't actually make me feel sad...it sort of elated me.  not because they would be gone but because they felt the confidence and love to go.  

and then what would Christmas be like?  well, who knows!  but it will be fun to find out and maybe do something completely different and un-traditional...quite a shft!

many traditions still exist and are required by my children:  new pj's on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning egg dish with pineapple.  One in particular, the making of my great-grand mothers Christmas plum pudding (aka "the brain"), is one they verbally confirmed they don't care about.  I do it for myself and to honor my father and his family but it seems appropriate that this year it also took a serious hit.

mixed with militaristic precision on Christmas Eve with ingredients like suet (beet fat), currants and nutmeg, and then wrapped in a flour sack cloth overnight in the fridge, it is boiled in its cloth wrapper all day Christmas Day.   unwrapped, it looks like a giant brain on a plate.  it is doused in warm brandy and, with every light switched off in the house, a match is taken to it and it is flamed!  Beautiful!  served with a butter sauce, it is an acquired taste and one that my children have never acquired.

this year, no matter how long I boiled it, it just would not set up.  Finally and because it was now or never, it was released from its package to the plate.  I could only laugh at this sorry excuse of grandma's pudding but I have to admit my pride took a hit.  There were consoling phone calls from my siblings and father who had made their own perfect puddings but in the end, ours was flamed with only Lucas and Hugh and i in attendance as the guests had moved on as had mason and isabel. 

Ah tradition...i could actually feel the gears change this year and I liked the funny new pace it created.  

spider

there was a spider in my house.  this arachnid wasn't just a small specimen.  it was one of those big bodied, long hairy-legged buggers that people take pictures of next to a half-dollar coin and post on Facebook so others will believe them when they try to tell you how big it was.  it is gone now but from the first hints of day when i realized that it was in my home, it's presence made me feel edgy.

in the wind and rain from the night before, it took a ride on the wind chimes that hugh brought in off  the front porch.  during the hot, calm nights of summer these don't interrupt my sleep even with the windows open, but with the season changes have come high winds that have whipped up a musical cacophony heard even behind closed windows, blinds and curtains.  the hitch hiking spider took opportunity to build a web in the night hours between the window and the handle of the sheet music cabinet where hugh had placed the chimes.  my morning routine continued as normal: retrieving the newspaper off the porch, glancing at the headlines while the dog took care of business outside and then placing the paper on top of the cabinet for hugh when he woke up.  only when I switched on the light did i see the little travelor.  it was there on it's web, having saved us from some other insect in the house and preparing its own breakfast while I watched.  

i have dealt with my fair share of spiders in my lifetime, but have my criteria for disposal. 1. it has to be against a hard surface before I will go in for the kill (much easier to just smack it with my shoe than try to remove it from its nest with a flimsy kleenix brand tissue) and 2. If there is someone else in the house who is more capable, then the job can wait for them.  spider in web, husband in bed...this guy's life was spared if only for an hour.  isabel got a preview and a "dad will deal with it when he gets up."

sitting in my chair with my tea watching the sun come up, back to the spider, I read and prayed.  distracted, ever aware if it's crawly noises going in behind me, I peeked over my shoulder several times to make sure it was still snacking.  yep, still hanging out, doing what spiders do...be creepy!  30 minutes later, the hubby makes his way down to grab the paper.  informing him of our visitor, I ask if he can dispose of it for me.  "what spider?", he says. "I don't see anything!" 

ahhhhh! what?  gone!?!  web and all, the insect has now taken up residence somewhere in my house...and I don't know where. 

you can bet that it was all I thought about ALL day. every time i walked past the chimes, now moved to lay flat on a table in the entryway, i peeked and peered and worried.  knowing it was somewhere...crawling, building a home, sharpening it's fangs, maybe even laying eggs!  i kept busy all day but you would have thought a monster had moved into my cozy home with how much thought energy I was spending on this small bug.  I knew if I found it, I could deal with it, it was not knowing where it was that kept me on edge.   

and of course, being me, I start equating this situation to my life. I am in this funny, sometimes awkward place with my disease where we know the cancer is in the house, we are aware of its presence and are being vigilant to address it, but for right now all we can do is keep moving about the house, working, cleaning, living, entertaining, loving each other and choosing not to live afraid.  as the day wore on, and every time I passed the spot of potential spiderness, I would say a little prayer that our new resident wasn't making himself too comfortable but also that I would not be afraid.  I began to realize that there might be other things in my life that I needed to pray over, that had rented a room in my spirit, that needed eviction or at least some attention.  so many things I can't change but I need to address my fear about them and learn to be thankful in it if not for it. I am pressing into those things today that scare me, and they have made me feel restless and unstable a bit.  and i am okay with that.  

by late afternoon, the arachnoid had crawled out of one of the wind chime hollows and was resting awkwardly on an envelope on the edge of the table.  a teenage squeal (from my teenager not from me) a smack of my boot and it was over.  everyone could rest easy tonight with the knowledge that no creepy crawly things lingered....at least the one we know about.  Known or unknown I can co-exist with many of the things that frighten me even though a little restless and unstable at times, with a prayerful heart and with joy and thankfulness.

connections

i believe that we walk through life longing for and looking for connections.  we want to know and be known and the way to do this is to find a connection and make it.  i am not the master at connecting but am a work in process and am always trying to learn. 

finding those connections is like a good hunt when we are surrounded by strangers, and the rewards can be great.  when presented with a setting where i am unknown, i look for those things that connect me to someone else: someone my age or stage in life.  maybe they have the same look of apprehension on their face as I do or they look like they could stand to have someone say hello.  these connections may seem more difficult than in a room full of people that know me but i contend they are easier because they don't know me.  a clean slate is a good place to start as long as you are a willing participant.  some of my most rewarding connections have been with complete strangers.  somewhere out there are several kindred spirits that I met  with on long plane flights only to say our goodbyes at the gate never to be seen again.

finding genuine connection with those we already know can be the more difficult task.  i had a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor the other day about how people respond to us when they are confronted with this disease in our lives and our expectations about that response.

any survivor will tell you a familiar comment we hear is "my aunt/brother/mother/cousin had cancer.  she/he/they died from it."

my response: "I'm so sorry for your loss!" smile offer words of comfort etc.  

awkward!

in an effort to connect to what i am experiencing, many people say the "wrong" thing.  but at least they are saying something and that is better, in my opinion, than saying nothing.  either way, grace and forgiveness should always be a part of the conversation.  that isn't always easy especially when you are tired, overwhelmed and wanting genuine connection during crisis.

and that genuine connection is what drives me to keep myself in a place of connectedness even with those that don't know how to reach out and connect. 

i have struggled mightily with not resenting those closest to me that have pulled back and away during my hardest days.  people who i expected to press in have pulled back in a way that could be, and admittedly has been at times, interpreted by me as hurtful.  it has been difficult for me not to assign value to what could be viewed as rejection of me let alone my situation.

the struggle has led me from a place of whining about their lack of presence to a place of trying to understand why they respond this way to finally just keeping myself open to them when and where the opportunity arises.  

resentment has no home here if I want genuine connection to be fostered. 

ultimately my job isn't to help them connect to me better during my crisis or love me better but to connect and love them better where they are.  it doesn't mean opening myself up to hurt but i can reach back when they reach out and let it be what they need it be right where they are. i am learning to be thankful (and forgiving and more understanding) for the connection we can have when we can have it even when it isn't the connection as i would have designed it.

and i am also acutely aware that my crisis isn't the only thing happening.  at any given moment, other people are experiencing their own struggles and crisis and then i get to try and reach out and give a hug, that will make a connection so that they know someone out here is trying to understand and know them in the midst of their crisis. 

i have not mastered the art of connection however i have learned that both good and bad connections lead to open doors to learn more about the people around me, how I can know and be known. 

carry nothing forth

i boarded a plane very recently, laden down and awkward.  i have learned and am learning to travel lighter. although some would say that i still haven't mastered this particular skill, my suitcase is one and small compared to those around me with their large and many.

on this particular day, i was not practicing the art of unencumbered.  i had my one rolling suitcase (too cheap and hurried to check it), my briefcase (full of the usual suspects: magazine, gum, ipad, snacks, ipod, cards etc), a coat and a scarf (both of which were now in my hands because i had to remove them for security), and a pillow!  i have never done the neck pillow thing but this trip it made the list and now i was carrying it!

settling down into my seat was difficult as i was juggling all this, trying to shove it under the seat, trying to decide what i needed before we reached cruising altitude and knowing instantly that the pillow was my first mistake.  memory foam is very unforgiving and bulky..just saying.  coat and scarf were another large impediment to my ease and comfort as they were just in the way and probably not necessary.  my briefcase did not fit comfortably under the seat in front of me, making leg room an issue.  putting much of anything in the overhead just seemed foolish because heaven forbid i might need something.

i felt heavy.

as i boarded the plane, i made note of the man behind me.  blue jeans, plaid shirt and sweet, goatee'd face greeted me as i slowly waited my turn down the aisle to seat 27D.  he carried nothing!  no rolling case, no backpack, no pillow (!)...not even a book or ipod.  what?

"you are travelling light", i commented to him, out of sheer embarrassment due to my own stumbling along under the weight of my stuff.

"yeah. i just don't like carrying it all with me" he said with a sweet, non-judgmental tone.

as we made our way down the aisle, i realized pretty quickly that i needed to dispose of my suitcase into an overhead sooner than my seat if i was going to advance faster than a snails pace to my row.  turning to him, i asked if he wouldn't mind helping me since he had two hands completely free.  

he gladly obliged and my case was neatly tucked away in the overhead several rows in front of where i was to finally land.

now at cruising altitude, my mind drifted to this stranger.  he had everything he needed to get on the plane: boarding pass, id, the clothing on his back...but nothing else.  i looked around trying to spot him to no avail.

i quickly got the obvious analogies to traveling lightly through this life.  you can move quicker, not wasting time on the unnecessary.  you leave less behind for others to have to deal with.  i began to think about the things in my life that took me out of moment as i deal with the stuff.  i vowed to come home and cut my hair short because i was spending too much time on that every morning.  i committed to cleaning out my closets and office of those things that weren't essential for the time now.  there would be tougher lines drawn on the sentimental things that served no real purpose or just needed too much dusting.

i took another look around me to try to spot my fellow traveler.  what could he possible be doing during these hours to occupy himself?  he didn't have a book or music to listen to.  he was without playing cards or gum.  what would happen if he needed some chap stick or some lotion or whatever else he could have shoved into a backpack before he left home to make himself more comfortable.  i wanted to stand up and find him so i could help him out in any way that he might need because i had food, moisturizer and entertainment a plenty.

and then i realized he was probably just fine without me, probably better than "just fine".   without all the carry-ons, he could lean in and just be.  he was flying and that was enough.  he was going to a destination.  the people around him, the free water, juice or soda could be enough.  the in-flight magazine was good enough and he was leaving himself open to striking up a conversation with his seatmate that might not happen if he shoved his nose into a book as soon as he sat down or threw some headphones on.  although he appeared to not be properly equipped, he was perfectly ready to enjoy this leg of his journey just for what it was without distraction.

and in my encumbered state, he was free to help me juggle my load, helping me with my suitcase.  had he been also laden down, i probably wouldn't have asked him and he probably wouldn't have helped.

how can i let go of the things that encumber me as i travel on so that i can lean into the journey and enjoy it just for what it is without distraction?  and if i do, won't i be better able to serve others and help them make their way easier?  this is a good goal today.

bullies

oh cancer...you are a big, mean, nasty bully.

you have arrived back on my playground after summer vacation bigger and nastier and meaner. you have staked-out and called "dibs" on my favorite jungle gym, hula hoops and red rubber balls and are trying to intimidate all the fun out of recess.  you are bigger this fall, more muscle with more swagger and more authority based on where and how you showed up this time.  you are scrappy and a fighter, trying so hard to gain territory in my life.

i can't help but notice those friends you bring with you...this gang of yours seem to be a bigger force to tangle with.  while everyone cowers at the sound of your name, you use your friends, Fear and Doubt to strike the biggest blows.  And Death, well he is your henchman.  He is your right hand man, the one everyone is really afraid of, the reason we cower.  because although cancer is the one we never want to see on our playground, it is ultimately Death that we are trying to really avoid.  sometimes cancer comes to play without death, mostly death just hangs out in the shadows letting everyone know he is always a part of the equation.

this gang of yours are the real bullies.  they are the ones i need to win over and are truly the greater enemy.  you, cancer, may bully me around, threaten to take away my lunch money and cause some bruising but Fear and Doubt and even Death you are the bigger threat to my days, robbing me of all i dream of.  even if i don't win the battle against the cancer bully, i am promised victory over fear and doubt and even...death!  it is promised.

when the powers that be tell me that cancer has taken up residence, that there are just a few things left in their skill set to keep him from having his way with me then i am made even more aware of the larger battle that rages, that has always raged...that of fear and doubt...and death.

these bullies, along with many others, have to be tamed, brought into submission.  while cancer cannot sometimes be tamed, my fear, my doubt can be dealt with and i can be at rest when the bullies scream and show their fists.  i can have unending peace when they threaten me.  when these bullies threaten to take me away from all that i hold dearest, then i rage and want to cower away under their intimidation's but i trust a larger presence.

i trust that death has lost it's sting
i trust a God who is gentle and good to me, but who is a lion also: fierce and angry and not afraid to fight.
i trust those friends on the playground with me that are part of my posse to withstand
i trust the promises of being an overcomer (even in death...i am an overcomer)
i trust the healer even when the healing isn't when or where i want it.
i trust that even when the red dodge balls are hurtling at me in this crazy dodgeball game, that i am not alone on the court....ever!
i  choose, now, to believe for the future that no matter what weapons these bullies bring to the playground that i will stand in grace, even with tears streaming down my face, knowing who i am and that they can't win.

Fear and Doubt and Death...i won't let you intimidate me...i won't!  my life won't be managed by you.  and when you show up with your big, scary words about the future, i say..."step off...you have no place here. i won't let you take away this moment or any moment from my days. Step off!"

full of hope

"hopefully"...there is something about this word that doesn't sound to me like it should.  i understand it's meaning: "in a hopeful manner" or "inclined to hope" but for some reason when someone says, "hopefully" as in, "hopefully the rain will stop" or "i am hopefully going to attend your party" or "hopefully this treatment will stop the cancer this time" that is not what i hear.  i am not sure why exactly, but the word hopefully sort of sounds hopeless to me.  it feels a little like a 50/50 position...could go either way, just not sure, don't count on it!

when i hear this word used, i hear "maybe" or "might be" or "let's try to believe".  it is as if the writer or speaker is saying, "i really want the rain to stop and hopefully it will, but i don't really have a lot of faith that it will."  maybe it is how it is being used in a sentence or the tone of voice that i hear when people speak it, but it just doesn't fill me with hope somehow.

what i want to hear is "i am full of hope" or "yes! that is going to happen because i have hope" or..."i believe because i have hope" or "i hope because i believe"

hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation or obtainment, to expect with confidence, TRUST.

reality bites sometimes though.  sometimes no matter how much we hope the rain will quit before the big outdoor event, or that our best friend will be able to attend our party or that the test results will come back with good news instead of bad...sometimes these hopes are not met.  sometimes it rains on our wedding day and sometimes the test results come back with worse news than you expected.  sometimes hope is dashed by reality.  then we have to find something new to hope in or try to hope in.  i have found this to be a wearying cycle.

ultimately, i know that i can't hope in the things that have these huge variables factored in.  when i do hope in these things, and i am let down, i feel disappointed and too much of the time there are tears...lots and lots of tears.

i want to be full of hope...trusting and expecting with confidence and anticipation that it will come to pass.

but today, i have asked myself..."what am i hoping in?"

i am hopeful that the doctors will advise me well and that the options they give me are the best.  i am hopeful that the treatments they offer will work.  i am hopeful that i am on the right path and we are making the right decisions for not only a long life but a full life.

but today i realize that i get to be full of hope in my God who saved me from walking this path alone and in the dark.  i get to be full of hope in all He promises from presence and provision to peace and protection.  i get to be full of hope in His faithfulness...that He has promised to never leave me...ever! i can be full of hope in His wisdom and that no matter what choices i make, He will use it.   and i can rest in Him full of hope that while i rest, He is waging a battle for me that goes beyond what i could do at my strongest.

i am daily convinced that my full hope must be in Him so as i experience victories, they are His and His alone and any perceived defeats are also His to carry.  He is way better equipped to carry it all.  this works out well as i am daily growing tired of myself and all my drama and problems.  better to let Him shoulder the burden, attention and ultimately the glory.  i have freedom when i place my hope in the One without variables, the only One constant who knows me and my circumstances perfectly.

my hope is in the Lord so that He is glorified.  no one but Him...full of hope in Him.

"oh! may the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope!" Rom. 15:13

the view from here

stepping out of the subway station onto the street brought me to tears. by my side was my handsome and talented son, lucas dressed in a bold, red paint-splotched-patterned shirt that was not shy in it's presentation. i have dreamed of taking him to new york city for years and today, after my nephew's wedding in the catskills, we were finally making our way to the frenetic streets of manhattan, times square and BROADWAY.  although i knew he was excited, he seemed unfazed by our surroundings even as a few tears streamed down my face.  he snickered at my outward emotion. 

from the moment we began our journey, i was made more aware of a part of his life that he carries with grace and dignity.  today as i reflect back on those 5 days, i am inspired to see people differently. let me explain.

i am tall! we all know that. but lucas is even taller. similar to me with my siblings, lucas, got an extra dose of height when he was created.  while lucas' siblings are tall (6'2 and 6'6), lucas stands 6'9" or 6'10" depending on who is measuring him. i have always been so proud of his height, as i have been of my own, and bragged on him.

lucas doesn't fit in his world: cars, airplanes, kayaks, beds, suitcase puller handles, theater seats...the list goes on and on of those elements of his life that he doesn't fit into...literally. he didn't choose this but very rarely did i hear him complain about the inconvenience or discomfort.  hugh and i thought we were doing good by booking two aisle seats on the airplane so we would both have the leg room but even that doesn't work for him because the arm rest on the aisle doesn't raise and his knees don't allow him to get past the arm rest to put his feet in the aisle or to stretch them out under the seat in front of him.  and no complaining came when the man in front put his seat back into lucas' knees. i had a great mom moment when i could trade seats with him on the plane so he could sit with no one next to him and sit a little more sideways and stretch those legs out.  we also traded suitcases for wheeling through the airport because mine has a longer pull handle than his and he was carrying his case because it was easier than bending down to pull it. ugh!

so there is that whole element of just not fitting in your world but as the days went by i also began to see that as hard as he tries to fit in, and boy does he try, it is just difficult to enter, socially speaking, into a world that is 8, 10, 12 or more inches below you. it is difficult to hear conversations going on in groups because everyone is talking at the group level, typically almost a foot below where his ears are.  i began to worry about his hearing during our trip because i often heard him say, "what did you say?" or "what was that she said?"  but then i realized, he can't hear us because we aren't directing our conversation upward...no wonder!  he can hear...he just can't hear us!  and if there is loud music playing...well that is a whole other story!

and the other element that almost saddened me was the complete strangers who felt compelled to comment on his height.  i am used to this on some level, but not from every person i meet.  it seems like every person we encountered had some comment about his height.  complete strangers would stop him on the street and ask him if he played basketball or say..."whoa!"  i began to wonder if they saw the person there behind the stature of his presence or if all they could see was this "anomaly" in front of them.

what did i take away from this time with him? well beyond the fact that am incredibly proud of this young man and how he treats everyone he encounters with kindness in spite of this on-going, consistent and I am sure, tiring exchange over his height, i was inspired to see people through some different eyes.

every one of us has something that makes us different and unique: something that makes us stand out from the crowd...good or bad, it is our "thing" and it can make us feel as if don't feel like we fit in our world.  that is a common thread we all carry.  and thankfully for lucas, being tall is considered a positive thing by our society, although a curious thing by the reactions of those around him.

so what if instead of responding to the "thing" that makes someone feel "unfit", what if i responded to people for who they are...a person! what if i discarded what i see outwardly; their size, their color, their lifestyle, and just saw them as a person.  thankfully, it isn't common to outwardly comment on someones weight or their lifestyle, their job or their choice of mate but i know i have inward thoughts that are judgmental and condemning because i feel uncomfortable with the outward appearance or lifestyle choice or i disagree with your mate choice.  wow! where do i get off?  who wrote that into my job description cause it is a heavy burden to carry...that of judge and jury.

what if i refused to see people without the eyes of Christ? like putting on a pair of glasses, how would that change how i interact with absolutely every human i come into contact with from my husband and children, to the guy in front of me who just cut me off in traffic.  if i see them ALL as children of a GOD who loves them...and who loves me...then life becomes a little less about the outward and more and more about the inward...about love!  how will that impact my day?  might i have more patience when i don't get the kind of customer service i deserve?  might i be more understanding of those around me when they are having a rough day and it might not be all about me in that moment?  might i be more gracious and giving...and kind? when others judge me or treat me badly, might there be forgiveness and grace extended instead of bitterness and resentment when i can see them through eyes other than my natural vision.

at the stage door after "First Date" we waited for the actors to come out and sign our playbill's.  as the star, zachary levi, made his way through the door, he immediately looked over at lucas and said with great enthusiasm, "Wow! You're a giant!"  our encounter with him was brilliant and fun.  he encouraged lucas in his dream of acting on Broadway and told him to "never give up!".  later lucas had the opportunity to have his picture taken with this sweet, humble man.  instead of stepping up to stand beside mr. levi as everyone else was doing, lucas stepped right in front of him, straightening up to his full height.  zachary levi, laughing and loving every moment of it, peeked over lucas' shoulder as i snapped the picture.   

may i embrace those moments when i don't fit in my world, bring laughter to them and bring others into my space.  and may i love others better as i find my way.

fear: you are not welcome here

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR 1933

in just a moment earlier this week, i realized that i had been slowly slipping into a black, muddy, tar-like hole of fear.  this black hole, stepped in and out of at will depending on the time or circumstance had grown in recent days to be a very deep, real pit that has threatened to envelope each foot step.

as i lay in bed that night and i waited out the evening wrestling match between sleep and my wayward thoughts, i again gained awareness of something about myself that seems to be an on-going lesson i must learn: i am weak in the face of the unknowns.  give me a solid and known thing to deal with and i will do it and do it with determination.  make me face the big unknowns and i may just fall apart. i need more trust, more faith and more understanding in the face of the unknown especially when it comes to this little battle called cancer and how it is impacting the rest of my life.

is it possible to just NOT be afraid...when that is truly and deeply the response that is happening? can you tell a child "they have nothing to fear" when they are afraid of the thunder and lightning and have them suddenly just not be afraid because you told them not to be?

lately my unknowns are building up pressure and the clouds are rolling in like a summer thunderstorm approaching. i hear the storm warning and wonder if it will pass overhead like the weather man predicts, dumping rain and bringing with it winds, thunder and lightning or if it will go another way. should i gather up the patio furniture and cushions and take cover? should i batten down the hatches?

nineteen days from today, i will finally go back into the MRI machine to have it reveal what we have waited all summer to discover: did the radiation work, has the tumor shrunk and are there any new tumors there? the summer days have stretched before me in a beautiful array of family and friends and seized opportunity. it has been a lovely respite from the schedule of school days and obligations. there has been work, but there has mostly been lots of "let's not miss this" anythings that cross our path.

as the calendar rolled from july to august and then as we began to schedule our september routines including football and cheer, school and some travel, the date looming on my mental day planner is september 17th. everything seems to revolve around that day, the day we drive back to OHSU and go under the magnets. i have felt a pressure building and quite honestly a fear about the unknown of days that follow and what those will look like, how will i feel, what will the rest of september be like depending on what we hear from the doctor? i feel like i am preparing for a storm, when in all likely hood, there may reason to celebrate as the clouds pass us by and go a different direction.

and then sunday in church my pastor said..."you don't have to be afraid...God is bigger than anything you face".  i knew this! i needed a gentle reminder nudge.

He is bigger, His grace is without sides or a bottom and with no lid and most of all HE LOVES ME!  i can continue to seize every opportunity and every moment right up to and every moment following september 17th. I can batten down those hatches and prepare for rain and then dance in it or celebrate it's passage another way...but i don't have to be afraid.

fear has no place in His presence
fear has no place in His joy
fear has no place in His grace
fear has no place in me!

and when the pressure system builds up, when the clouds get dark and ominous, when rain hits the windshield, i go to the source. i stand up on my knees letting Him see all my fear and He is there driving out the darkness, flipping the switch, shedding light into all the corners showing me that fear is not welcome here. fear runs at the sight of Him as He wraps His arms around me not just telling me i have nothing to fear but showing me. He shows me that He is in the storm, and He is bigger than all it's power.

yes, fear can JUST disappear! it can happen over and over again as often as needed until fear learns that she is not welcome here...ever!

observations on a trail

one of the many things on my list of things to do more of in the days ahead, is to be outside and to hike!   so this week, on our annual mother-daughter trip, I wanted to take isabel to ramona falls off hwy 26 at the base of mt. hood.  this place is one of "those" places for me because i will never forget how it took my breath away the first time i saw it when i was just about isabel's age.

i was brought here 30+ years ago against my will as part of my summer church camp experience.  in my backpack I carried a brown paper bag with an apple, a cookie and a soon-to-flattened peanut-butter and jelly sandwich prepared lovingly by Judy the camp cook.   i don't recall a water bottle or sunscreen as part of the equation but i am sure some adult was managing those elements.  what do I remember about this day was of course the eventual destination: the incredible layered, rocky falls that bath you in the spray and cool breeze that emanates as the water crushes down on the rock below.  part of this experience all those years ago that really stuck in my young head was the terrain and experience on the trek up the mountain.  in the lush forest on the 3.5 mike hike up, mossy ground cover overwhelm the eye. The birds are singing...loudly! It's lush because the water is there, running down and through and protected by the trees. The mossy ground cover is everywhere and covering everything.  it is on every tree limb and trunk, each rock and down every short embankment to the creek running along side the trail.  this soft, green ground cover blankets the edges of the trail while the overhanging trees filter in just enough sun to refresh the traveler and give sweet relief from the hotter, drier, dustier parts of this trip.  these hotter, drier, parts felt like walking through hell to me back then and by listening to my own teenager now, she was also pretty miserable during these portions of our hike.

so while i was really eager to show off the beauty of the beautiful parts of ramona falls to my daughter, i was nervous for myself and for her for the not-so-beautiful parts of this hike because i remember how miserable i felt 30 years ago.  what i discovered along the way was that, while i loved the lush, cool and beautiful parts of this hike as much as ever, i found myself relating more to the dry, hot and not so beautiful parts much more.  every time i walked out into the hot-dry-bare rock-no shade-lots-of-fly's part of this hike, i connected and i seemed to be enriched in it.  the shade and the cool and the beauty were that much more shady, cool and beautiful but i had some observations during my moments along the dry path.

...it's really quiet.  the birds aren't singing, sounds of water rushing down the creek is so distant it almost isn't audible, and the hikers move through quickly.  as i walked along, all i could hear were my own foot falls hitting the sandy path.  quiet...to hear what all the sounds of the more lush parts of the trail distract me from. quiet...to hear what i might miss otherwise.  quiet...to hear the still small voice.

...i can see. it is bright and open and while there isn't much to look at that is "beautiful", i can see the individual new growth that sprouts here and there among the grey rock, dry and dead looking trees and the rotting logs that litter the path.  most importantly, i can see clearly the outline of the hikers shoes that have already passed this way to either the falls or returning to the trail head.  foot prints that tell me, this way has been passed and they have returned.  foot prints to tell me i don't walk alone.

...the encouragement to keep hiking almost always comes during these hot, dry spells of the hike.  During the more shady portions, hello's and smiles are exchanged between us and those we pass. but during the desert portions, words of encouragement are quick: keep going, you're almost there, the path gets cooler up head, you're really going to love it when you make it to the falls, you can do it!  people feel the need to encourage when things seem difficult and dry and i appreciate that....oh how i appreciate that!

up the trail, all these years later, and i have a new appreciation for the respite of the shade and the promise of the destination but i no longer begrudge the desert on the path.

obedience...this is what it looks like...i think.

testing...testing...1...2...3...testing...does this mic work?
hello...is anyone out there?
are you listening/logged in/following/paying attention/connected?
can you hear me now?

obedience...this is what it looks like...i think.

i have felt impressed/called/led/asked...to continue writing.
so officially...I have a blog in which to obey/comply/jump off the proverbial cliff

i have had so many of you comment on my writings through my cancer badventure that i have felt encouraged to continue.  if you aren't caught up on my journey to date check out my caring bridge site at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lauracaldwell

when people began to actually ask me to write, i began to wonder how that would look.

more importantly, there has been a "holy nudge" in my heart also...that i have almost utterly ignored and rationalized away:
1. when would i do that exactly
2. i can't seem to write unless i am in crisis
3. i don't have anything to say that hasn't already been put pen to paper or finger to touch screen
4. i am just a girl that is living through and with a disease...and trying to come out of it alive. lots of people do that...
5. and on and on...lots of excuses in a day and lots of things to distract me from doing what i feel i am "supposed" to be doing (cleaning toilets comes to mind, or absolutely anything other than writing)

and the voices in my head tell me that i can't (skill, time, voice, material etc, etc), that no one will read it, that it doesn't matter anyway. when the voices get tired and quiet enough i just keep hearing..."just do it...I will take care of the rest"

and that is what got me to this place today...along with one other thing.
when the love of this one thing, writing, became greater than my fear of it and greater than some of the other things i am giving my attention to, i knew that it was time. it could not be ignored any longer.
so whether you are tuning in or not, like it or not, inspired by it or not, at least i am being obedient and that is all that matters.