connections

i believe that we walk through life longing for and looking for connections.  we want to know and be known and the way to do this is to find a connection and make it.  i am not the master at connecting but am a work in process and am always trying to learn. 

finding those connections is like a good hunt when we are surrounded by strangers, and the rewards can be great.  when presented with a setting where i am unknown, i look for those things that connect me to someone else: someone my age or stage in life.  maybe they have the same look of apprehension on their face as I do or they look like they could stand to have someone say hello.  these connections may seem more difficult than in a room full of people that know me but i contend they are easier because they don't know me.  a clean slate is a good place to start as long as you are a willing participant.  some of my most rewarding connections have been with complete strangers.  somewhere out there are several kindred spirits that I met  with on long plane flights only to say our goodbyes at the gate never to be seen again.

finding genuine connection with those we already know can be the more difficult task.  i had a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor the other day about how people respond to us when they are confronted with this disease in our lives and our expectations about that response.

any survivor will tell you a familiar comment we hear is "my aunt/brother/mother/cousin had cancer.  she/he/they died from it."

my response: "I'm so sorry for your loss!" smile offer words of comfort etc.  

awkward!

in an effort to connect to what i am experiencing, many people say the "wrong" thing.  but at least they are saying something and that is better, in my opinion, than saying nothing.  either way, grace and forgiveness should always be a part of the conversation.  that isn't always easy especially when you are tired, overwhelmed and wanting genuine connection during crisis.

and that genuine connection is what drives me to keep myself in a place of connectedness even with those that don't know how to reach out and connect. 

i have struggled mightily with not resenting those closest to me that have pulled back and away during my hardest days.  people who i expected to press in have pulled back in a way that could be, and admittedly has been at times, interpreted by me as hurtful.  it has been difficult for me not to assign value to what could be viewed as rejection of me let alone my situation.

the struggle has led me from a place of whining about their lack of presence to a place of trying to understand why they respond this way to finally just keeping myself open to them when and where the opportunity arises.  

resentment has no home here if I want genuine connection to be fostered. 

ultimately my job isn't to help them connect to me better during my crisis or love me better but to connect and love them better where they are.  it doesn't mean opening myself up to hurt but i can reach back when they reach out and let it be what they need it be right where they are. i am learning to be thankful (and forgiving and more understanding) for the connection we can have when we can have it even when it isn't the connection as i would have designed it.

and i am also acutely aware that my crisis isn't the only thing happening.  at any given moment, other people are experiencing their own struggles and crisis and then i get to try and reach out and give a hug, that will make a connection so that they know someone out here is trying to understand and know them in the midst of their crisis. 

i have not mastered the art of connection however i have learned that both good and bad connections lead to open doors to learn more about the people around me, how I can know and be known.