Pocketbook

I may not sure other women are like this, but I don't like others to get into my wallet...at all! The deeper or larger the request, the less likely I am to let you wander on your own into my wallet to retrieve it. See all those little pockets, those are mine, I have designated them for their purpose and no one gets into those credit card, money slots, picture holders but me.  

I am very particular when it comes to selecting a wallet, hunting it down with care and precession.  I have known this about myself for many years, it has been a running gag/sore point in my relationship with Hugh, although mostly just a joke.  There is also the "dirty purse shame" that threatens me but this is completely and all together another issue that we will avoid today.

I am not sure why I carry this weird sense of ownership about my wallet and my money...something to do with it being mine, that I earned what is inside, that I established as a teenager as some sort of "adult-sized" indicator that I had money I had earned, and a place to put everything.  There was identification, pictures in their spots to prove people liked me, products had been purchased and I had receipts to prove it...just don't go rummaging through my wallet...I will retrieve what you need...keep your sticky paws out of my beloved wallet.

A couple of years ago, I started carrying around a $2!  After watching a good but rather low budget film, it became a reminder to me to extend love, kindness and good will.  It sits in my wallet, unused.  It purely a reminder to choose.

Suddenly and without warning, someone took my $2 bill.  I have replaced it but I have had a rush of thoughts and emotions about it and all of them have surprised me.

Curiously, I had been asked just the day before it was taken if I had any change and had fibbed because I wasn't to be without my $2.  Now today, it was gone.  The range of emotions came fast and without brakes. 

Anger

Indignation

Hurt

after a few hours, Sorrow

Fear 

Feeling alone 

Shame

Violation 

Grace

Forgivenes

Eager for the growth I would experience because of being violated

As each day of my life gets smaller and I am forced to let more people into the little pockets of my life, I wonder myself what I have tried to tuck away that seems of value to me but that will be exposed and opened.  Many of these things are of high value and need the protection I have given them.  When all is said and done, every little pocket, chosen with care by me, will hopefully find love, care and kindness.  

The $2 bill may not be the original but the intent to remind me of goodness and kindness remains the same and the grace and forgiveness abounds.  I, we are all on the fast-track to learn about grace and forgiveness. I won't be robbed of the joy a new reminder brings. I do know that it will take a little more effort on my part.  Do I want joy, laughter and grace? Yes! 

If yes, I am on the fast track to have those things even when I am violated...even then I pursue all that I hold true and open up the hidden places to show you who I am.