laundry is life

I am going to cancel my dentist appointment in June! Is that bad?  I promise to keep up on my dental hygiene but I don't really like the dentist and can't see laying there for an hour to extend the life of my teeth.  You get that right?

I read this quote yesterday and it struck me deeply, "The art of living well and dying well are one" -Epicurus

Actions are made from moment one of life to extend and keep life safe: vaccinations, car seats, seat belts. We are trained and taught to make choices to live a long long life, to extend life and avoid death: eat right, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, floss your teeth, take care of the body given because it, like life, is the only one you'll get. That is not a bad thing! We all want to live a long life gathering memories and balancing full life with healthy, life-extending choices.

Death is for everyone! No one is excluded from it. All the measures put in place to have a long life have shifted to another plane. There is a tension now in my life between the hopeful expectation of a miracle and the reality that my body is very ill and I need to be practical about dying.  

However, this is not a story about dying well, it is a story about living well...because they are the same.  My body will shut down. There are already things that are changing and impairing me.  But please when you look at me, don't watch me dying...watch me living...hopefully I can do both well.

So, no dentist!  I will shave my legs because I like smooth legs. But I am eating what brings me comfort. Sometimes I am turning things down because I know they will upset my stomach.  Captain Crunch will be enjoyed in the near future because I love it and haven't eaten it in 20 years.  Last night I ate yogurt and oats with fruit.  Good healthy choice but I don't typically eat dairy products or oats anymore, but it sounded good so I ate it! I love wine, and marguarita's etc., but they make my already dizzy head spin even more so I imbibe just very moderately so I can function.

And my days...well, yesterday I did some laundry! I know that sounds crazy but the calling on my life has been service to my family and our home.  I actually love it (not the laundry but that I do it serve the good of our home.). And it feels like living well. I like a clean house and folded shirts in their drawers.  I can't physically do as much as I used to and am not spending my time doing housework but I am finding everyday life doesn't start after the chores are done. The chores are part of life. I do believe that there should be fewer chores in life and way, way more people for sure but I don't begrudge the maintenance of days.

And please understand that I am not giving up or giving in...I am not losing my battle to cancer! If I was, you might see me spending my days in bed, waiting to pass on to my next chapter.  My battle is being waged on a different front and sometimes i think the real battle was never cancer anyway.

I have so much to learn still.  I want to grow and learn and be changed from glory to glory. I have promises to claim! 

People! I want people! I am thankful in these days to have so many helping me with maintenance of my days that I am getting more time with people and less on chores.

What I want is to be here for a long time to see my children have children and to love my Hugh for years and years to come. And that is where I struggle the most.  Wrestling with God, fists raised, tears, on my knees, in His face, asking for more days.  And then He asks me to trust him without boundaries for my family and their life without me physically in it (I say physically because I believe I will live in in their hearts and characters).

So I lift my head and ask for His strength for boundaryless trust and i start the laundry. I am choosing to let myself laugh and stop apologizing for my tears.  We are having rich days together laughing and planning, and yes even arguing. There is life here and that is what I am after!